The Rejected Stalker

Stop An Ex-partner

Ex-partner Stalkers are statistically more likely to be violent than any other stalker type. Research  published in 2017 reveals the strong link between stalking and domestic homicide. Take stalking by an ex-partner very seriously. If you ever feel in immediate danger call 999.

This type of stalker wants to persuade you to go back or punish you for ending the relationship – often a mixture of both.

This might mean flowers one day and threats the next.

Ex-partner stalkers use their behaviour to keep some sort of contact with you. Any contact with you–even if you are fed up or cross – can give this stalker satisfaction. They want your attention. They want control over you. The ultimate act of control is homicide. Find out more here.

Advice about ex-partner stalkers

Remember any attempt to regain control of your life will frustrate this type of stalker and could escalate the risk you face. Factor this into your safety planning.

  • They may have always been controlling but that doesn’t mean this can continue. You don’t have to put up with it anymore.
  • Make it absolutely clear the relationship has ended. Say it once, make it clear.
  • Do not agree to meet an ex-partner stalker alone anywhere.
  • Tell your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours that you’re being stalked and ask them to look out for anything suspicious
  • Ask your family, friends, colleagues and children’s schools not to tell your ex (or their friends)  anything about you
  • Do not be harassed into discussing the reasons you’ve ended the relationship
  • Do not try to ‘let them down gently.’ Be firm but polite. If necessary practise the words ‘I do not want to be in a relationship with you’.
  • You do not have to give reasons for your decision – this can simply extend the conversation and the stalking
  • If you have children together, consider using a neutral third party to make contact arrangements – solicitor, mutual friend?
  • Do not return letters. Just seeing your hand writing can give satisfaction
  • Keep anything your ex sends you as it’s evidence of the stalking
  • Do not return phone calls. Make a note of the time and date of every call, what was said
  • Do not return texts. Save all text messages. Write them down with the date, time and number from which they were sent. Do not rely on them being saved on your phone – you might lose it or have it taken from you. This is evidence. File it carefully away
  • Be cautious what you share on the Internet

Stop An Ex-Partner Stalker; they may use threats and violence against you

  • Never confront an ex-partner stalker or use threats back, this increases your risk
  • If the stalker uses drugs or alcohol this increases the danger to you. See Staying Safe questions all of which are indicators of risk.
  • Contact the Police and get advice on security measures for your home. Take it seriously
  • Consider making contact with Domestic Abuse agencies for support and advice. Find details here.
  • Alert anyone whom the ex-partner stalker may hurt in order to punish you
  • Tell the children’s school, nursery
  • Check out anything that might be in joint names, see what you need to change, cancel. Inform your landlord or mortgage lender, get specialist advice.

Weapons an ex-partner stalker might use to target/control you 

  • They may know you well, or think they do. Take some time to work out what they know and how they might use that information
  • They may have had access to your personal computer, bank cards, passwords, car, car keys, house keys and mobile phone
  • They may have insider knowledge about where you work, your working hours, where you spend your leisure time and your routines
  • They might use intimate photos/video to blackmail or control you – this is not your fault and it’s against the law
  • Consider if tracking devices might have been placed in or on anything, like your car, clothes, bags
  • Change your passwords for everything you do online, have your computer checked for spyware, malware. See dealing with internet stalking
  • Many people tell us they feel child contact arrangements are being used by ex-partners to stalk them. Find out more here.

If you’re being stalked by an ex-partner, you can assess the risk you face here