The Unwanted Admirer

Lana’s Story

Lana* felt uncomfortable around her neighbour. He kept overstepping the mark by being pushy and intrusive; inviting himself over and generally ‘offering to help her’. Lana didn’t want his help but worried that she was being unfriendly or rude if she said no.  Then she realised he’d been spying on her in her own home. Her stalker has the hallmarks of an “Unwanted Admirer” type.

How Can You Recognise An ‘Unwanted Admirer’ Stalker?

  • The Unwanted Admirer is besotted with you and desperately wants an intimate relationship.
  • Wants to be loved by you but does not realise that their quest is hopeless.
  • Wants to start a relationship with you that can grow into an intimate relationship.
  • Has never been in an intimate relationship with you
  • Will probably be a stranger or brief acquaintance
  • Is not driven by fantasy like The Suitor but by a desperate desire for closeness
  • Is usually lonely or lustful
  • Does not know what normal ‘courting’ behaviour is
  • Poor at making any social contacts
  • Makes insistent intrusive demands on you – the sort that a ‘normal’ person could be expected to know would be inappropriate
  • Believes they are entitled to a relationship with you whether you want one or not
  • Is NOT engrossed in the fantasy of loving and being loved back
  • Often gives up after relatively short period of intensive stalking if convinced their approach is unsuccessful
  • Likely to watch and follow you rather than send letters or be violent

You can unwittingly encourage this stalker by misplaced politeness or by trying to be kind or gentle when saying that you do not want a relationship with them

The Unwanted Admirer may stalk in the following ways:

  • Repeatedly phoning/texting/emailing/messaging you
  • Repeatedly using the Internet to publish information about you
  • Repeatedly pretending to be you on the Internet and posting information
  • Repeatedly monitoring you online
  • Repeatedly watching or spying on you
  • Repeatedly following or waiting for you
  • Repeatedly going to your home or place of work
  • Repeatedly ordering or cancelling goods in your name
  • Repeatedly damaging your possessions
  • Repeatedly stealing your personal property
  • Persistently trying to find out personal information about you
  • Making threats to hurt you
  • Making threats to hurt those close to you
  • Making threats to hurt your children
  • Contacting your friends and people close to you
  • Contacting your workplace and colleagues
  • Sending obscene or sexually explicit messages
  • Threatening to commit suicide


Is this your stalker? Find out what you can do.

You may find it difficult to tell other people what is happening. Perhaps you’re worried about what they will say? Whether they will believe you or think you are making a fuss about nothing? Even make fun of you?

It is important to tell people, your safety may depend upon other people knowing

*Name changed to protect her identity