The Rejected Stalker

Stop A Rejected Ex-partner Stalker

What Can You Do About A Rejected Ex-partner Stalker?

Understanding the motivation of a rejected ex-partner stalker may well help.

So What Motivates a Rejected Ex-Partner to Stalk?

  • The rejected-ex partner stalker wants to persuade you to go back or punish you for ending the relationship – often a mixture of both.
  • This mixture of goals means that it might be flowers one day and threats the next day.
  • They use this behaviour to keep some sort of contact with you alive. Any contact with you–even if you are fed up or cross – can give this stalker satisfaction.

How can I help myself if I am being stalked by my ex-partner?

  •  Make it absolutely clear to them that relationship has ended. Say it once, make it clear.
  • Do not be hassled into saying it again.
  • Do not be harassed into discussing the reasons.
  • A reasonable person who hears a clear message understands it. The test of stalking is based upon what a ‘reasonable person’ would understand.
  • Do not try to let a rejected ex-partner stalker down gently; you do not need to be harsh or cruel, just firm. If necessary practise the words ‘I do not want to be in a relationship with you’. (Obviously this is not easy, especially if you have to continue contact because of child contact and so on)
  • You do not have to give reasons for your decision – this can simply extend the conversation and the stalking.

How can I help protect myself from an ex-partner who is stalking me?

  • Ask a friend who is the same gender as you to record your answerphone responses – so the rejected ex-partner stalker will not hear your voice when they call
  • Use an ‘anonymous’ image on your social networks – not your face –  if the stalker looks.
  • Do not return letters. Just seeing your hand writing can give satisfaction. Do not write on the letters. Make a note on a separate piece of paper of the date the letter was sent and the date on which you received it, attach this note securely to the letter – keep them as evidence. Keep them in a safe place. Keep them where they are not a constant reminder or threat.
  • Do not return phone calls to a rejected ex-partner stalker. Make a note of the time and date of every call, what was said.
  • Do not return texts. Save all text messages from a rejected ex-partner stalker. Write them down on tidy paper with the date, time and number from which they were sent. Do not rely on them being saved on your phone – you might lose it or have it taken from you. This is evidence. File it carefully away.
  • Do not agree to meet a rejected ex-partner stalker alone anywhere.
  • Alert your family, friends and work colleagues, children’s schools that they must not tell the stalker or friends of the stalker anything about you.
  • Be cautious what you share on the Internet.
  • Do as much as you can, as soon as you can, to minimise the risk to you.
  • Rejected Ex-partner Stalkers can go on stalking for a very long time once it becomes a pattern.

They may use threats and violence against you

  • Never confront or use threats back, this increases your risk
  • Many rejected ex-partner stalkers have used threats, violence, abuse before, if not to you then to previous partners. Take it seriously
  • Rejected Ex-partner stalkers are known to be more likely to use violence than any other type of stalker. Half of the ex-partners who make threats carry them out. Take it seriously.
  • If a rejected ex-partner stalker uses drugs or alcohol this increases the danger to you. See Staying Safe questions all of which are indicators of risk.
  • Contact the Police and get advice on security measures for your home. Take it seriously
  • Consider making contact with Domestic Abuse agencies for support and advice.
  • Alert anyone the ex-partner stalker may hurt in order to punish you
  • Tell the children’s school, nursery
  • Check out anything that might be in joint names, see what you need to change, cancel. Inform your landlord or mortgage lender, get specialist advice.

Understand that they feel justified using this behaviour to make you do what they want

  • A rejected ex-partner stalker may know you well, or think they do. Take some time to work out what they know and how they might use that information
  • They may have had access to your personal computer, bank cards, passwords, car, car keys, house keys, mobile phone, know where you work, your working hours, know how and where you spend your leisure time, your routines.
  • Consider if tracking devices might have been placed in or on anything, like your car, clothes, bags
  • Change your passwords for everything you do online, have your computer checked for spyware, malware. See dealing with internet stalking